Horrid Henry's Joke Book Read online

  Copyright

  Text © Francesca Simon 2004

  Internal illustrations © Tony Ross 2004

  Cover illustration © Tony Ross 2008

  Cover and internal design © 2010 by Sourcebooks, Inc.

  Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Published by Sourcebooks Jabberwocky, an imprint of Sourcebooks, Inc.

  P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410

  (630) 961-3900

  Fax: (630) 961-2168

  www.jabberwockykids.com

  Originally published in Great Britain in 2004 by Orion Children’s Books.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the publisher.

  Source of Production: Versa Press, East Peoria, Illinois, USA

  Date of Production: April 2010

  Run Number: 12284

  Front Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Mummy’s Curse Jokes

  Grisly Grub Jokes

  Gross-Out Jokes

  Scary Sitter Jokes

  Terminator Gladiator Jokes

  Underpants Jokes

  Stinkbombs

  Doctor Dettol Jokes

  Dizzy Dave’s Dinosaur Jokes

  Moody Margaret Knocks Sour Susan Jokes

  Beefy Bert’s Beastly Jokes

  Aerobic Al’s Sports Jokes

  Jokes Not to Tell Aunt Ruby

  Jokes Not to Tell Miss Battle-Axe

  Perfect Peter’s Favorite Jokes

  Jokes Much Too Rude to Tell Mom

  More Horrid Henry!

  About the Author

  About the Illustrator

  Back Cover

  To the children of Yerbury Primary School,

  who told Henry such brilliant jokes

  Why didn’t the skeleton and the monster fight?

  The skeleton didn’t have the guts.

  Why was the Egyptian boy upset?

  His daddy was a mummy.

  During which age did mummies live?

  The Band-age.

  What does a monster mommy say to her kids at lunch?

  Don’t talk with someone in your mouth.

  What did the metal monster want written on his gravestone?

  Rust in piece.

  What pets does Dracula own?

  A bloodhound and a ghoulfish.

  What is sung in the vampire production of Abba hits?

  Fang you for the music.

  Who works in monster hospitals?

  A skeleton staff.

  What feature do witches love having on their computers?

  A spell checker.

  What should you do after shaking hands with a monster?

  Count your fingers.

  When a vampire drinks too much, what does it get?

  A fangover.

  What did the vampire crawling through the desert say?

  “Blood! Blood!”

  What do vampires cross the sea in?

  Blood vessels.

  Which monster ate the three bears’ porridge?

  Ghouldilocks.

  What do you call a ghostly teddy bear?

  Winnie the OOOOOHhhhhhhhh.

  What haircut do monsters like?

  Deadlocks.

  What did the pirate get when he hit the skeleton?

  A skull and very cross bones.

  Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?

  He had nobody to go with.

  Where do skeletons swim?

  The Dead Sea.

  Boy: Mommy, Mommy, Ralph just called me a werewolf.

  Mom: Shut up and comb your face.

  Why are zombies never lonely?

  They can always dig up a few friends.

  What do you get if a huge, hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin?

  Flatman and Ribbon

  Hangman: Do you have a last request?

  Prisoner: Yes, can I sing a song?

  Hangman: All right. Just one.

  Prisoner: Ten million bottles of pop on the wall…

  Why is the letter V like a monster?

  It comes after U.

  What did the monster say to his daughter?

  “You’re the apple of my eye eye eye eye.”

  What is a monster’s favorite game?

  Hide and shriek.

  What should you say if you meet a ghost?

  How do you boo?

  What do little ghosts drink?

  Evaporated milk.

  When do ghosts usually appear?

  Just before someone screams.

  What would you find on a haunted beach?

  A sandwitch.

  What do short-sighted ghosts wear?

  Spooktacles.

  Why did the mummy have no friends?

  He was too wrapped up in himself.

  Where do ghosts go on vacation?

  Death Valley.

  BELCH!

  CRUNCH!

  OOZE! SPLAT!

  Ha ha ha. These are great jokes to tell when you want to make people feel sick.

  Vampire to Son: You’re late. We had guests for dinner. They were delicious!

  What do cannibals like for breakfast?

  Buttered host.

  What does Dracula like for breakfast?

  Ready neck.

  Why did the vampire need mouthwash?

  Because he had bat breath.

  What do monsters make with cars?

  Traffic jam.

  What do cannibals play at parties?

  Swallow the leader.

  What does a sea monster eat for dinner?

  Fish and ships.

  How do monsters have their eggs?

  Terrifried.

  What’s the difference between school lunches and slugs?

  School lunches come on plates.

  What do you call someone who puts poison on their breakfast?

  A cereal killer.

  What do mermaids have on toast?

  Mermalade.

  Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

  No, they eat the fingers separately...

  What’s yellow and dangerous?

  Shark-infested custard.

  What do you get if you cross an egg with a barrel of gunpowder?

  A boom-meringue.

  Waiter! Waiter! Your thumb is in my soup.

  Don’t worry. It’s not hot.

  Waiter! Waiter! This egg is bad.

  Don’t blame me, I only laid the table.

  Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup.

  I’m sorry, sir, the dog must have missed it.

  Henry: Why is your thumb on my sandwich?

  Demon Dinner Lady: To stop it from falling on the floor again.

  What’s worse than finding a caterpillar in your apple?


  Finding half a caterpillar in your apple.

  Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

  Because they taste funny.

  What do French pupils say after finishing school lunches?

  Mercy.

  What happened to the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?

  He got a little behind in his work.

  Henry: What’s yellow, brown, and hairy?

  Peter: I don’t know.

  Henry: Cheese on toast stuck to the carpet.

  What do cannibals do at weddings?

  Toast the bride and groom.

  What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner?

  The cold shoulder.

  What’s yellow, flat, and flies around the kitchen?

  An unidentified flying omelette.

  What’s the worst thing you’ll find in a school cafeteria?

  The food.

  Miss Battle-Axe: Henry, how many bones have you got in your body?

  Henry: It feels like 4,000. I had fish for lunch in the school cafeteria.

  “Out of my way, worm! These jokes are much too gross for you!”

  What happens when a baby eats Rice Krispies?

  It goes snap, crackle, and poop.

  Why is your mouth full of lint?

  My mom vacuumed up my candy.

  What do you get if you sit under a cow?

  A pat on the head.

  What monster do you get at the end of your finger?

  A bogey monster.

  Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup.

  Quiet or everyone will want one.

  What’s green and hangs from trees?

  Giraffe snot.

  What do you give seasick elephants?

  Plenty of room.

  Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

  Because they have big fingers to pick it.

  What’s an insect’s best pick-up line?

  “Is this stool taken?”

  What goes ha-ha-bonk?

  A man laughing his head off.

  Why did the sand scream?

  The sea weed.

  What do you do when your nose goes on strike?

  Picket.

  How do you make a tissue dance?

  Put a little boogie in it.

  Knock knock.

  Who’s there?

  Alec.

  Alec who?

  Alec to pick my nose.

  Knock knock.

  Who’s there?

  Ahab.

  Ahab who?

  Ahab to go to the bathroom.

  What’s brown and sticky?

  A brown stick.

  Warning! Make sure you can make a quick getaway if you tell a rabid baby-sitter any of these jokes. Believe me, I know.

  Henry: Rebecca, you remind me of a movie star.

  Rabid Rebecca: Oooh. Which one?

  Henry: The Incredible Hulk.

  Rabid Rebecca: I always speak my mind.

  Henry: I’m surprised you have so much to say then.

  Rabid Rebecca: Whenever I’m down in the dumps, I buy myself a new T-shirt.

  Henry: So that’s where you get them.

  Henry: Why do I have to go to bed?

  Rebecca: Because the bed won’t come to you.

  Rebecca: How long can someone live without a brain?

  Henry: How old are you?

  Did you hear about the baby-sitter who accidentally plugged her electric blanket into the toaster?

  She spent the night popping out of bed.

  Nah nah ne nah nah

  If you want to make your mean, horrible parents really scream, just tell them one of these jokes.

  What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

  Lambo.

  What’s got four legs and an arm?

  A Rottweiler.

  What do you call a parakeet that’s been run over by a lawn mower?

  Shredded tweet.

  What did the fly say as it hit the windshield?

  That’s me all over.

  What’s the last thing that goes through a wasp’s mind when it hits a windshield?

  Its sting.

  What’s green and red and goes around and around?

  A frog in a blender.

  What do you call a cow with no legs?

  Ground beef.

  Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?

  Because he was a dirty double-crosser.

  Did you hear about the man who had a dog with no legs?

  He took it for a drag every day.

  How do you kill a circus?

  Go for the juggler.

  Boy oh boy! Jokes do not get more horrid than these.

  What’s hairy, scary, and wears its underwear on its head?

  The Underwere-wolf.

  Knock Knock!

  Who’s there?

  Underwear.

  Underwear who?

  I underwear my mama is?

  Why do werewolves have holes in their underpants?

  So furry tails can come true.

  What gushes out of the ground shouting, “tighty whities, tighty whities”?

  Crude oil.

  What gushes out of the ground shouting, “Underwear, underwear”?

  Refined oil.

  What hangs out your underpants?

  Your mom.

  Why did the golfer wear two pairs of underpants?

  In case he got a hole in one.

  What’s the best way to make underpants last?

  Make vests first.

  Knock knock.

  Who’s there?

  Icy.

  Icy who?

  I see your underpants.

  What goes 300 mph on a washing line?

  Honda pants.

  What do you get if you pull your underwear up to your neck?

  A chest of drawers.

  Mini Minnie: Do you know how old Miss Battle-Axe is?

  Lisping Lilly: No, but I know how to find out. Take off her underpants!

  Mini Minnie: Take off her underpants! How will that tell us?

  Lisping Lilly: “Well, in my underpants it says, ‘3 to 5 years.’”

  Hold your nose for these stinkers!

  What did the skunk say when the wind blew in the opposite direction?

  It’s all coming back to me now.

  What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk?

  Winnie the Poo.

  How do you stop someone who’s been working out in the gym on a hot day from smelling?

  Put a clothespin on his nose.

  Why do giraffes have long necks?

  Their feet smell.

  What did one burp say to the other?

  Let’s be stinkers and sneak out the other end.

  (Ralph’s favorite joke)

  Knock knock.

  Who’s there?

  Rotten egg.

  Rotten egg who?

  SPLAT the yolks on you.

  What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?

  Beethoven’s last movement.

  What do you get if you cross a skunk with a cuckoo?

  A bird that stinks and doesn’t give a hoot.

  What do you call a flying skunk?

  A smellicopter.

  What is the feeling that you’ve smelled a certain skunk before?

  Déjà phew!

  Next time a doctor tries to give you an injection, distract her with a few of these goodies.

  Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains.

  Well, pull yourself together.

  Did you he
ar about the man who swallowed some Christmas decorations?

  He got tinselitis.

  Doctor, Doctor, what’s a good cure for snake bites?

  Stop biting so many snakes.

  What did the vampire doctor say to his patients?

  Necks please.

  Doctor, Doctor, can you give me something for wind?

  Sure, take this kite.

  When is the best time to visit the dentist?

  Tooth-hurty.

  Doctor, Doctor, people keep ignoring me.

  Who said that?

  What is the most common illness in China?

  Kung flu.

  Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me out.

  Which way did you come in?

  Doctor, Doctor, I feel as if I’m getting smaller.

  You’ll just have to be a little patient.

  Doctor, Doctor, there’s something wrong with my tummy.

  Keep your sweater on and nobody will notice.

  A girl walks into the doctor’s office. She has a banana in her left ear and a carrot in her right. There’s a piece of celery in one nostril and a small potato in the other.

  “Doctor, I feel terrible,” she says.

  “Well, your problem is obvious,” says the doctor. “You’re clearly not eating properly.”

  Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a bell.

  Take this medicine and, if it doesn’t work, give me a ring.

  Doctor, Doctor, this ointment is making my elbow smart!

  Then maybe you should put some on your head!

  Doctor, Doctor, I’ve just swallowed a roll of film.

  Sit in the sunshine and hope that nothing develops.

  Doctor, Doctor, I think I need glasses.

  You certainly do, sir. This is a flower shop.

  Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing insects spinning.

  Don’t worry. It’s just a bug that’s going around.

  Dave paid me $1, so I let him add a few dinosaur jokes to my book.

  What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

  Do-you-think-he-saur-us.